If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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