What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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