Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
