Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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