Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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