If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
