you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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