apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
