he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
