I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
time to smoke my breakfast
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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