tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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