A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
