Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I need a burrito and a hug.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
