Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
