You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
