Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
