God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
