I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
