He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
