my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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