New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
