No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
