What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
