Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
