Your face is a jimmy john
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
