you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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