So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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