I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
one might say we're banned from that church
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
