when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
