a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
