Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
