apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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