as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
