Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
