Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
