So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
