Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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