It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
