i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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