Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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