my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
