P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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