just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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