I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
