my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
