So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize