I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
