If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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