1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
