i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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