she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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