I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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