I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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