Apparently you make a good broom.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
