Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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