Joe is yelling at the trees again.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
