Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize