we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
